Chores...

Chores are a great way to teach your children about responsibility, and about contributing to the whole - at the start it is the family but that translates to the society at large. You do them because it helps the family, not because you get paid. It is part of what it takes to run a household and everyone pitches in (here is where it is important that Dad is participating as well or the message is mixed at best).

Not long ago there was a lot more work that went into maintaining a family - gardens, food prep, dishes, house cleaning, etc. But now chores seem harder to find. Many families seem to spend less and less food prep time and more and more taxi time carting kids to never-ending teams, clubs and lessons. I guess I think it is about balance. Lessons in music or being on sports teams are good things, but when connected with a couple recent blog posts on play, it is important to have a balance between all the activities a family/child does. And the families that I watch seem to be very short on meaningful chores: work around the house that really needs doing to keep the family functioning, and is age appropriate all the way up as a child grows. (Don't include homework in the "chores" category - that is a separate, and important task for children).

You can check out two blogs that post on children and chores as both reference the same research on how many kids are involved in chores these days. The numbers are dropping rapidly.

Here is a site that is focused on chores and the sample page includes pdf samples for various ages. It does include homework and personal hygiene (which is a base level skill) but it does provide a place to start.

Chores are important.
"Doing household chores as a child turns out to be a major predictor of whether an individual does volunteer or community work as an adult, according to sociologists, who note that housework is an important teaching tool. And when it comes to domestic bliss, the distribution of domestic duties—grounded in childhood chores—can make or break a marriage."

(Check out the cartoons from Gary Olson like the one you see above)

Two Movies About Our Food...

I'd encourage folks to watch two movies about our food and food supply system:
Food Inc and
The Future of Food.
Both are available on Netflix instant play.

My other blog on the brain had a post on diet and the brain - there is a strong connection between how well we eat and how well we use the full capacity of our brains. Good nutrition is key to raising a healthy family, ready to give God our best for a life time.

If you only get to one of these movies make it Food Inc. It gets at the subject of the second movie at least a little bit. As you watch, I suspect you'll be disgusted, angered and hopefully also motivated as well to change some things. The end of the Food Inc movie makes some very simple suggestions (I know 'simple' doesn't necessarily translate into 'easy'). Consumers do make a difference with our choices. The challenge is being an informed consumer.

Got gave us good things to eat. Interesting that, as the science gets more amazing, we are getting less healthy. Good to remember that we live in a Fallen world. I heard a friend make the connection to the Tower of Babel and, at first I didn't get it. It is a story of people who think they are so capable that they can build a tower up to God to 'make a name for themselves'. Perhaps a good comparison... we think that we (science/industry/government) can do better than the 'simple systems' that God put in place. Or perhaps it is just simple greed, and the bottom line is profit instead of doing our best - for us and others.

Don't expect it to cost less to eat better. But eating better is important if we want to give God our best.

Eat locally! Cook meals together - and benefit from the family meal/conversation time as well.

Watching our children grow

There is great joy in watching your children grow up. To be sure, there are always bumps in the road but God blessed us with the chance to watch children grow and mature over time that is wonderful to behold. Some parents go overboard on involvement - sometimes called 'helicopter parents'. They don't leave enough breathing room for their children to learn to do their own thing. (An interesting article in the 11-30-09 Time Magazine on the backlash to 'over-parenting.)

And that joy of being a parent continues well into adulthood. Parents never stop being parents.

The new media makes that 'watching' different than it used to be. Time was, you didn't know some things that your children were doing - even as the hovering, helicopter parent. As they got older and spread their wings, they lived more and more of life outside of our immediate sphere of influence.

Now you have a choice. Young people these days, for better or worse, post so much of their life on line... for everyone to see... including you, if you choose. Choosing to watch can add to the joy of parenting as you see into their lives in a more immediate way than was possible in the past. It can also let you see things you wish you didn't see. And then you have to decide how to respond... chime in with a response to their posts or stay silent.

A hard call. Sometimes it is good to chime in, like you would if they had told you (they kind of did when they posted it!) and you were giving advice, sharing your perspective and counsel. (The thing to remember about advice is that it is best received when it is wanted, and inside a mutually respected relationship.) Sometimes it is good to bite your tongue and stay a silent observer - and use the info as a way to pray very specifically! Chime in as a parent when you aren't wanted and the posts may stop. I think I'd rather know than not. If you can't take the good with the bad you are better off not watching at all, and then you'll miss it all. Ah, the joys of parenting! Kind of like our heavenly Father, watching us.

"Fair" does not mean "equal"

"That's not fair!". We said that growing up. We heard it from our own kids.

My Dad got it. He knew that fair did not mean equal. I think it was easier to understand when the families were larger... he came from a family with 12 kids. I have 6 siblings. The more kids there are, the more clear it is that everyone is different and the "same" is not right for everyone. Fairness is more about what is appropriate than about what is equal.

That is harder to handle when there are fewer kids. It just seems that everyone should get the same and that would settle it (especially from the kids perspective). The same punishment for breaking rules, the same opportunities, the same attention, the same ... everything.

My Dad would often remind us when we were kids - and even reminded us as adult children dealing with our own siblings, and with our own kids - that fair did not mean equal. Fair meant doing the things that were best for each one.

Living...

Check out this blog for some of the best words about living from someone who is dieing. Connie Ore was a team mate at St John Lutheran in Seward, NE. She and her husband do music very well. Her blog is always inspirational and I recommend a regular stop there.

The Wedding - an important start...

Our son just got married this past weekend to a wonderful young lady he met at Valpo. Spent some time with them yesterday at her folks place and her dad shared an article from Christianity Today that has much wisdom in it:

The article is "Lord of the Wedding Dance" and references the YouTube video called "Jill and Kevin's wedding entrance". Almost 32 million hits and counting. Quite the phenomenon.

The article makes the critical point about what - more accurately, who - is the center of the ceremony. It is not the couple. It is Christ. And, by extension, the whole community - Pastor, families, witnesses, and of course the couple. Still lots of room for expressing individuality in the ceremony, but Christ is central.

It was wonderful yesterday to hear all the friends and family express to the newly weds, through their cards and personal notes, that wonderful truth over and over again. A marriage well started! Hooray!

Great Games

Search Institute has a wonderful resource for parents that can also come as a regular email - MVParenting.

Timely topics, age specific help and creative ideas. Current topic is on Great Games. Spend some time with your family playing.

Brain Rules

Check out my blog on the brain for a cool book and web site called Brain Rules.

Two powerful words: YES and NO.

I'm a big fan of Media Wise and Dr David Walsh. I posted on them recently, twice.

They are making a big push for their Say Yes to No book and parenting program. Excellent stuff. Right on the money. "Yes" is a powerful word. Parents need to affirm their kids. God's "Yes" to us in the forgiveness we have through Jesus is a great example for parents affirming their kids. But just as important is the word "NO". And many parents have a very hard time with that one.

From Media Wise - "Research proves it: self-discipline is twice as strong a predictor of school success as intelligence. We need to help parents foster this vital trait."

Self-discipline - translate that: "saying 'no' to yourself". It is learned by experiencing what "no" means. A real "no". Not 'turn up the volume' or 'ask the other parent' or throw a tantrum'... "NO" ... the end.

Interesting connection to another couple links about the Marshmallow Story. First video is David Walsh explaining it. Second video is the actual experiment.

Check out Saying Yes to No.

Digital Natives

I've posted on this before but re-read some of Marc Prensky's work and think it is worth parents and educators checking (or re-checking) out. I'd suggest reading both parts of his Digital Native/Digital Immigrants piece as a good place to start.

Is there really such a big difference in the kids of today? Prensky, Jukes and others say a resounding "YES"! The brain wires itself based on what it experiences. The current generation knows only the digital age. Prensky gives some interesting a persuasive arguments for a fundamental difference in the digital natives brains. And he argues that education has to change to keep up with the differences. I like how he doesn't argue that we give up critical thinking or teaching logic but I think he makes a powerful case for a fundamental change in how we do things - especially for those of us who are digital immigrants and "speak with an accent".

His article about "backup education" is challenging. And Ian Jukes gives some specific, helpful advice on closing the digital divide.

Parents need to be thinking about this and in dialogue with their children and their children's school faculty.

Mirror Neurons

I wasn't sure which of my two blogs to put this on - it has implications for brain and family.

Scientists are in the very early stages of learning about Mirror Neurons. Looks very interesting. Think about how our infants learn things. I remember for our own and for our grand kids, getting them to smile by smiling at them, or later to clap by clapping with them. Scientists connect it to empathy as well. And some early connections to Autism - perhaps the mirror neurons are misfiring.

Seems to reinforce the important role of parent on instructing the young - and on the importance of doing what we say.

Watch for much more to come. Here is a short video from NOVA on Mirror Neurons if you are interested.

An Unfair Advantage...

Parents have an unfair advantage that they may not be aware of or take advantage of when it comes to influencing their children.

I'm preparing some presentations on current brain research as part of our Fitz Family presentation these days and reminded again about the importance of patterns and the importance of repetition, along with the need for the brain to gear down and process. (you can check out more on the brain at my other blog)

What better time to gain influence with your children, to impart important messages, to show your love, to learn about their lives, than in the regular, simple ritual moments of life - like eating meals and going to bed. We eat and go to bed every day - we just may not be taking full advantage of those for building family. Making a simple change to take advantage of more/most of those times gives the parents powerful time with their children. Repeated patterns, connected to the other senses of smell, taste, and touch, and especially when done at the end of the day just before bed/sleep and major brain processing time... can't get much better than that!

Faith Ink and their Faith Five along with Youth and Family Institute know about that and give lots of resources for parents so they can take advantage of their powerful position for positive influence in the lives of their kids through simple, regular actions.

Another Helpful Nudge

Our mail inboxes are full of "stuff" (perhaps too nice a word for some of what ends up in there). A small portion of mine ends up being helpful/necessary stuff.

I have found it helpful to subscribe to various organizations for devotions or e-newsletters since I know what they send will be helpful. When those come, I take time to check it over.

My last post was one of those and here is another: MediaWise has a regular E-news that they send out and I find it very helpful. I'd encourage you to subscribe to it and have it be a timely (the current one is on back to school stuff), gentle and very helpful nudge in the right direction on parenting.

MV Parenting

Search Institute produces a great e-newsletter called MVParents. The current one is on the importance of touch. I like it because it gives specific, doable things for parents with kids in four different age categories, from birth to teenagers. Worth signing up for this one. Topics are timely and the Institute has a great track record of understanding young people and helping families. You can sign up at the MVParents link above.

Looking in the mirror

Had a great visit with our oldest child/daughter Nica and her two kids for the past couple weeks (Thanks to Wes, her husband, for parting with them for so long!). We had a chance to work together (some Fitz Family performances - it was great to work with her again as that doesn't happen too often) and we also did some celebrating for our granddaughter Charlotte's 3rd birthday, a belated 50th celebration for Becky, my wife, and a wedding shower for Claire Rueffer our oldest son's fiance. Lots of parties!

It was also a time, on two different generations, to take a look in the mirror. Charlotte got a baby doll for her birthday and it was great fun to watch her walk around and 'put her to sleep' exactly like Nica puts Frank (the younger brother) to sleep. Body language and motion, words, tone of voice, concern that a 'sleeping baby' not be woken up with loud talking... it was ALL there. That is how it is supposed to work. We don't sit them down for a 'class' on taking care of babies. They see us do it and file it away/play/repeat it on their own and it becomes theirs. We saw much of ourselves in Nica too as we see our parents in ourselves.

It happens whether we plan for it or not. They watch, and learn, and repeat. They watch how we speak, relate, work, play, worship, pray, fight, rest, argue, praise, and on and on.

The most important thing we can do for our children is live - intentionally - a life that pleases God - to the best of our ability and with all the strength that God is happy to provide. They'll be watching and learning.

Family Resources

Two great monthly resources you can subscribe to that come from the LCMS. One is called Home Base and the other is called 24/7. Both are excellent resources for family and how to form faith in Jesus at home.

Marriage - seems to be pretty important...

I came across the July 13 edition of Time Magazine at my Chiropractors office and the cover title was : "Unfaithfully Yours". An interesting source for what turned out to be a pretty conservative view on marriage.

The lead article "Is there hope for the American Marriage" was written by Caitlin Flanagan (an interesting women herself) and it has much to say about reasons to preserve marriage - translate that: commit and build rather than try it, cut and run. The article references some high profile infidelities and then gets on to some of the critical reasons to preserve marriage: the care and nurture of each other and our children.

From the article: "And so two more American families discover a truth as old as marriage: a lasting covenant between a man and a woman can be a vehicle for the nurture and protection of each other, the one reliable shelter in an uncaring world — or it can be a matchless tool for the infliction of suffering on the people you supposedly love above all others, most of all on your children."

Flanagan touches on the dramatic differences in the outcomes of kids from single parents vs two parent homes, births to unmarried women (now at 40% of the total births), the critical role of the father, the purpose of marriage and our cultural ambivalence to the institution of marriage to which she responds: "This is ultimately self-defeating. It is time instead to come to terms with both our unrealistic expectations for a happy marriage and our equally unrealistic beliefs about the consequences of walking away from the families we build."

The Bible says: leave and cleave; the two shall become one...

It is interesting to note that, while reading an online article praising the institution of traditional marriage you are bombarded with links to such things as a gay marriage video, the top 10 mistresses, the top 10 scandals of 2008 and more. Good reason to be sure that we as parents and our education system are teaching our children to be discerning and thoughtful and well grounded as they navigate this electronic world.

Family Togetherness - in the bullseye!

Another great blog is from Youth and Family Institute. Paul Hill recently blogged about families being in the bulls eye of marketers. If you don't see a bright red and white bulls eye on you somewhere, look again.

Paul highlighted a "Youth Marketing Mega Event..." it is not new but it reinforces the energy and resources that are going into selling... to you and your kids. The power, volume and quality of messages you and especially your kids receive seems overwhelming.

The good news is that families have the power to resist. Parents are pretty powerful themselves - or can be. Y&F Institute helps remind us of that - and gives helpful, practical things to do; like the Four Keys: caring conversations, devotions, service, and rituals and traditions. These nurture and anchor our lives in Christian spiritual practices and that is the best way to resist the forces of the marketers.

Family of my own

Having a chance, right after visiting my family of origin, to have some good time with most of my own current family. Had lunch with all three sons: Isaac, Sam and Gideon, and Isaac's fiance Claire. And now spending time with Jenica and Wes and their two kids and also Gideon for four days while at Lifest. With all our own kids grown and gone this does not happen much any more either (is there a pattern developing here?).

Such a blessing to have time with our own kids and with their kids as well. Get to see the results of the years of parenting (which never really end). And get to try on new skills of grandparenting. Distance and budget will play a part, but hoping to keep well connected to our children and grandchildren and beyond as the Lord blesses us.

Family of Origin

I just had a chance to spend about 6 days back in Canada with my family of origin. A great time with my Mother mostly and then a 50th birthday celebration for one of my brothers and so some time with all my siblings. It had been two and a half years since the last visit. Too long. It is great to go back to your roots when you can. In this mobile world we often get far away from family - although I have served recently in a place (Aurora, IL) where there is much stability community wide... more than I have usually seen. When you have moved far away I find it good to go back and reconnect. Re-establish the relationships (in our case we don't even do the letter/email/phone thing much in between) and remember the beginnings, good or not so good.

While there I spent some time with my Mom at my Dad's grave site in small town Alberta. Lots of family connections. It was good as we walked around to hear all the connections there were. Distance and budget don't allow as many visits as we would like but we take advantage of them when we can and would encourage the same for others. It is your beginning and has much to do with who you have become.

Jon and Kate

Everyone is talking about - and watching - them. Jon and Kate plus eight. I have never seen one of the TV shows (don't watch much TV). Just hear lots of jokes about them on late night and more. How hard must it be to live your life in the gigantic fishbowl that is the national media. Yikes! It is hard enough in the regular world. Such a fascination we have with "reality".

I'm saddened to hear that they seem to be heading to a divorce. I stumbled onto their own official web page and they seem to be great people. I wonder if they could have made it in the private world. I wonder how many of us would make it exposed like they were. I'm praying for them and for their kids... and for all families who have to work hard to stay together - I think that is all of us.

Who's in Charge?

Who is in Charge? An important question in any circumstance. It is critical for families... and it goes way back to Genesis in the garden. God says yes and no. We tripped up on the "No". Still do. Saying Yes to NO is a great book/program from MediaWise/Dr David Walsh.

I was thinking about how children learn about the fear of God. I think it comes from the hearing and experiencing the word 'no' - from parents in God's place. Well meaning parents (or parents who have not seen/experienced the word 'no' themselves much) don't want to stiffle their child. You don't have to watch Super Nanny many times to see that learning to say no is a big part of the solution for most hurting families (in fact the Super Nanny has her own official help site now - learn how to parent from prime time TV!). And an interesting look at saying 'no' to yourself is these videos from MediaWise called the Marshmallow Story.

More from MediaWise on the positives of hearing 'no' and having limits.

Fireproof on Nightline

Perhaps you caught it on the 5th of June. ABC News Nightline did a feature on Christian filmmaking. Fireproof was a great movie about marriage. Good to see it get some more air time. You're be able to see something online even if you missed it.

Still lots of good resources on the Fireproof movie web site.

Three Perspectives on Family Ministry

Tim Jones has a forthcoming book on family ministry. I've seen a short preview of it on another blog and like what I see. It reinforces the previous blog on fathers too.

Here is a quick look at what's in the blog:

What Needs to Change?

Every church is called to some form of family ministry. This doesn't mean just adding one more program.

Rather, family ministry is the process of intentionally and persistently realigning a congregation's proclamation and practices so that parents—and especially fathers—are acknowledged, trained, and held accountable as the persons primarily responsible for the discipling of their children.

The blog has more and gives a quick look at the three perspectives. I'm interested to check out the book.

It's the economy...

That phrase has had a life of its own since the Presidential campaign of 1992. It reminded us about what was key.
For Family Ministry it might be rephrased: "It's the father...". I've seen various statistics from various sources but they all reinforce the same thing: Dad's are critical to passing on the faith in a way that sticks.
The Swiss carried out an interesting study. A Dad active in the faith carries the day overwhelming when it comes to children who follow in their footsteps... well, when you put it that way, it works both ways. They follow them into an active faith or they follow them into an inactive faith/no faith.

Perhaps Children's Ministry should be more about Father's Ministry.

Here is a short bit from the study:

If both father and mother attend regularly, 33 percent of their children will end up as regular churchgoers, and 41 percent will end up attending irregularly. Only a quarter of their children will end up not practicing at all. If the father is irregular and mother regular, only 3 percent of the children will subsequently become regulars themselves, while a further 59 percent will become irregulars. Thirty-eight percent will be lost.

If the father is non-practicing and mother regular, only 2 percent of children will become regular worshippers, and 37 percent will attend irregularly. Over 60 percent of their children will be lost completely to the church.

Strong Marriages

There are lots of great places to go for help building a strong marriage. We have always liked Marriage Encounter. A less likely place to go but one that we think is a great resource is Walter Wangerin Jr. The specific resource from him is "As For Me and My House". He is one of the most gifted writers I know and does a great job in this book talking about practical ways of crafting a strong marriage.

Perhaps the simplest advice on building a strong marriage comes from my father. He would take my mother out regularly (translate that weekly) for "coffee". That was a code word. They did actually drink coffee on these little dates but more importantly it was time to talk about each other and about their many children. They had a strong marriage till the very end when he died at 84. Thanks Dad for being a great model.

Hands on Parenting

My parents were great examples of hands-on parenting. They didn't sit back and wait to see if things would work out, hoping they wouldn't have to have the hard conversations. The faced them head on. One time in high school (I was at a boarding school about 300 miles away from home) I got into trouble, big trouble, for drinking underage. I even ended up in a car accident and in the police station drunk tank. This was an isolated incident. I was not in trouble very much and was considered a leader in the school. My parents could have hoped for the best and let the school principle deal with it (which he did!). But no. My parents had to drive the 300 miles the next day and sit face to face with me and have a "talk" about what had happened. I don't remember much about the talk - but I do remember that they drove 300 miles to have the talk and that impressed me. I knew they were concerned about what I did and the decisions I made.

Sometimes the wind blows at us parents while we raise our kids...OK the wind blows all the time and sometimes it blows hard! Hands-on parenting is like leaning into the wind, adusting for the force of the storm but always moving forward and facing the challenges AND your kids head on. Let them know you love them!

A great resource for that kind of parenting is Dr Kevin Leman. Check out some of his DVD courses.

Family Friendly Church

Ben Freudenburg has been getting it right for many years. An early pioneer in what is now a strong movement to raise parents up as critical in faith formation. This book is still very helpful. Ben and Jennifer are doing great things for family ministry - based out of Ann Arbor, MI. Thanks Ben and Jennifer!